As you have already heard, Ashley Madison, a website that marketed itself as “the most successful website for finding an affair and cheating partners,” was hacked. The “Impact Group” hacker group vowed to “out” the site’s users, revealing detailed information about their erotic desires.
As a couple’s therapist, I am aware of something that most people are unaware of: relationships can recover from adultery. They might even grow more powerful than before. While I do not support affairs in the slightest, I do wish to give people hope that relationships can survive them.
There are other websites and apps where people can pursue extramarital affairs; Ashley Madison is only one of them. What does this indicate about the cultural institution of marriage’s success or failure?
Despite expectations and presumptions from culture and religion, recent research strongly reveals that humans are not designed for monogamy. That being said, the most common reason couples seek my counseling is because of infidelity. They truly want to overcome the grief and betrayal, which can hurt almost as much as the pain we feel when someone we know passes away, and they are determined to stay together. This is because, although the marriage has essentially ended, it is still possible for another to begin.
According to certain estimates, 4.3% of married men and 2.3% of married women cheat, while up to 25% of men and 11% of women may find themselves in bed with someone other than their spouse at some point in their lives, according to other studies. I bet there are even more figures.
In most cases, a couple’s connection improves even further once they successfully navigate the healing process after an affair. However, that requires a great deal of effort and several challenging discussions along the way.
These four prerequisites must be met for a marriage to endure infidelity and emerge from it stronger than before.
An awareness that extramarital encounters don’t always signify a dysfunctional marriage
There are various reasons why people cheat. A number of my clients have confided in me that they cheated because they felt too embarrassed or scared to discuss their sexual desires or inclinations with their partners. They might have subtly brought up a sexual activity that was treated with ridicule, disbelief, or charges of perversion, after which they resolved never to bring it up again.
The majority of therapists will agree that suppressing dreams or desires does not eliminate them from a person. Most of the time, it just pushes it deeper and deeper into the unconscious, where it will eventually surface in ways that are inappropriate, damaging, and out of timing.
Some men are so embarrassed that they expect their women would become crazy before even broaching the matter. They subsequently, frequently erroneously, cast their humiliation onto their partner. The man’s need for such experimentation is unlikely to go away, even if the wife is first resistant, and he might look for another outlet. In a similar vein, a wife’s wish for romance does not vanish just because her husband refuses to be more romantic.
These couples should practice being frank, open, and patient with one another, accepting of one another’s differing viewpoints, allowing each other to feel empathy and compassion for one another, and perhaps even being open to trying novel experiences.
The betraying partner’s readiness to discuss what happened honestly, often at a level far beyond their comfort zone
To start reducing the damage and restoring trust, the betrayer must be prepared to listen to the hurt partner for as long as it takes. They have to be able and willing to express their regret, guilt, and empathy for the suffering they brought about.
Since the establishment of the institution of marriage, infidelity has existed. Ashley Madison’s presence alone suggests that it will continue to exist in the future. Therefore, society must accept this fact, figure out how to successfully handle the guilt and suffering, and work to support couples in re-establishing the connections that drew them together in the first place.
This conversation needs to take place in a safe environment, such as a therapeutic setting, with supervision, or in the company of a therapist. This emotional release shouldn’t happen on a whim, in front of kids or other family members, or public. Both sides need to control their emotional reactions to maintain a constructive conversation. Witnessing such an encounter would undoubtedly polarize anyone outside the partnership because it is far too vulnerable.
Regarding the more general issue of monogamy, as a society, we may eventually have to accept the fact that some of us are just not cut out for it.
A pledge to refrain from reinterpreting the new dynamic of the relationship as one of victim and perpetrator
Just like love and want, emotions are nuanced and multifaceted. Famous novelist and psychologist Esther Perel contends that “the dilemmas of love and desire are way too complex to yield simple answers of good and bad, victim and perpetrator, right and wrong.”
I agree. If the betrayed spouse takes on the victim’s mentality, for example, thinking “You did this to me and now it is up to you to fix this problem as I’m not involved in it,” the issue won’t be comprehended or fixed. The problem may stem from feelings of loneliness, being ignored or neglected, or from a variety of other emotions. It is not useful to criticize the cheating partner and find comfort in playing the victim.
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In the worst situation, the victim may begin to feel embarrassed of themselves. For example, a friend or family member may question, “How could you even think of staying with that cheater after what he did to you? It takes true courage to face the unconscious problems that lead to adultery. The problems are only made worse by the ignorant opinions of others. To be honest, when we blame the person who has been injured for attempting to make things right and sticking around, it seems to contradict the cultural message that marriage and relationships are valuable and should be fought for.
