You cannot enroll in couples therapy, read a book, or attend a weekend session and expect to fix all of your relationship difficulties. Having said that, understanding what separates happy marriages from unhappy ones can fundamentally alter the nature of your and your partner’s love.
We wondered if there was a discernible difference between couples whose marriages improved over time and those whose marriages did not when we followed up with couples who had attended
The Art and Science of Love, a weekend workshop in Seattle. One would assume that prosperous couples would have drastically changed their marriages. That’s not what we found out.
Over time, the seemingly little changes in your relationship’s course might have a big impact. The catch is that to avoid reverting to your previous, harmful habits, you must keep building on the progress you’ve achieved.
We were astonished to learn that they were only devoting an extra six hours a week to their relationship. The way these couples divided up their six hours varied according to their areas of improvement and focus, but we did see some distinct trends.
Here’s what the winning formula looks like and how to improve your relationship in just six hours.
Reunions
- Give your lover an embrace and a kiss that lasts for at least six seconds when you meet them again at the end of the day. According to Dr. Gottman, this is a kiss with promise. It’s worthwhile to resume the six-second kiss ritual at home.
- Spend at least twenty minutes in a soothing chat following the six-second kiss. This gives you a safe environment for non-sexual connection and empathy, and it also helps you to better appreciate the challenges and stressors you both face outside of your relationship.
- Time commitment: 20 minutes each day times five working days equals one hour and forty minutes per week.
Partings
- Before saying farewell in the morning, happy couples try to find out one item about their partner’s life for that day. This might be a planned discussion with their parents, a visit to the doctor, or lunch with their best friend. Asking questions and finding out about your partner’s day’s highlights and lowlights are the objectives.
- Ten minutes a week—two minutes a day times five working days—are allotted for this.
Appreciation and admiration
- It’s critical to figure out how to show your partner that you care and appreciate them. In my profession, I always advise couples to keep an adoration notebook in which they can jot down minor observations about their partner that they find admirable.
- This not only helps your partner feel appreciated, but it also sets the stage for you to perceive your partner’s great qualities rather than their flaws. Here’s an illustration: I appreciate you letting me finish my work project last night and helping out with the dishes. You’re such a thoughtful and nice woman.
- thirty-five minutes every week Five minutes a day times seven days
Date night
- A romantic and peaceful strategy to maintain your relationship is to spend this significant time together. When on a date, turn to face each other and ask open-ended questions. Prepare a list of inquiries to pose to your spouse, such as: Are you still considering a bathroom makeover? I would be ecstatic to go on a holiday with you. Are there any locations in mind? or How have you been handled this week by your boss?
- Allotted time: two hours, once a week
Affection
- Feeling connected requires physical affection to be expressed when you’re together. Before you go to sleep, make sure to hug each other. It could be as simple as giving each other a good night kiss or giving each other a brief hug.
- Consider these loving moments as a means of releasing the small tensions that have accumulated over the day. Imagine kissing your sweetheart good night that is laced with forgiveness and tenderness.
State of the Union meeting
- According to Gottman’s research, couples can improve their conflict resolution skills by simply one hour a week discussing areas of concern in their relationship. Through my work, I’ve seen that having a space set apart for discussing conflict enables partners to openly express their anxieties and fears in a way that makes them feel less alone. feel loved and heard rather than ignored.
- In your relationship, I’d advise making this a weekly routine that takes place at the same time every week. Even though it might not feel enjoyable at the time, this is a sacred period since it is transforming.
- This is how you do it: Discuss the positive aspects of your connection that have developed since your last meeting. Next, thank each other five times that you still haven’t said. Make an effort to be detailed and give instances. Talk about any problems that have now emerged in your relationship. Take turns speaking and listening to ensure that the conversation is productive.
- As the speaker, use soothing introductions to avoid offending your spouse. Try your best, as the listener, to fully comprehend what your partner is saying without passing judgment. Return to the talk after a 20-minute pause if you find yourself getting defensive or overwhelmed.
- Proceed to problem-solving only once both partners have a sense of mutual understanding and hearing. When asked, What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week? Once the talk is over, each partner should respond in kind.
- Allotted time: one hour every week
- Six hours in total!
Six hours a week is quite insufficient, as you can see. If you get eight hours a night of sleep, that’s merely five percent of your waking life. Even though these six hours might seem insignificant, they will have a huge impact on maintaining the direction of your relationship.
