The fact is that everyone has flaws. A person cannot be forced to change. You have to love someone flawed in a way that you can live with or even value.
Having said that, understand that by choosing to love someone, you are also choosing to love a set of issues. There aren’t any candidates without issues. No matter who you love, you will experience some level of difficulty in your relationship.
For instance, Lacey Marriage Andrew, who tends to be a little rowdy at gatherings. That bothers shy Lacey very much.
They never would have made it to the celebration if Andrew and Leah had gotten Marriage because of their arguments over Andrew’s neglect of household duties. Leah feels abandoned because of this, which makes her nauseous. Furthermore, Andrew would have perceived Leah’s whining as an effort to control him.
However, before they even arrived at the celebration, Andrew and Molly would have gotten into a quarrel if he had Marriage her. The reason for this is that Molly detests waiting and Andrew is constantly running late. Molly feels cheated when someone is late because of an experience that left her sensitive to tardiness. Andrew would have thought Molly was trying to control him if she had confronted him about being late. He becomes agitated over that fairly soon.
There will inevitably be two kinds of problems resulting from our imperfections: solvable problems and unsolvable problems, as neither ourselves nor our relationships are perfect. Establishing a relationship ritual, like a five-minute coffee talk, can help resolve problems and foster a stronger sense of emotional connectedness. Resolvable disputes end and are hardly revisited.
The continuous couples conflict
Become acquainted with John Gottman. He’s the relationship equivalent of Muhammad Ali. After more than forty years of studying contented Marriage couples, John developed a combination of methods that yielded an astounding ninety percent success rate in determining whether a couple would file for divorce within ten years or not.
His heavyweight title demonstrated that happy couples often have ongoing issues that need to be resolved. John makes this point clear in every book he writes: It is a myth that couples need to find a solution to every issue they face.
Gottman claims that 69% of the time, couples fight over unresolvable, never-ending problems. The basic contrasts between partners—differences in personalities, needs, and expectations that are essential to their fundamental self-definitions—are the cause of these ongoing confrontations.
Relationship disagreement is very normal and can even be beneficial. When we fight and argue, it teaches us how to love better, and how to take a step back from the “problem” to understand our partners better.
It teaches us how to deal with relationship change as it happens. It helps us to reaffirm our relationship over time and serves as a reminder of why we select our partners.
The emotionally clogged relationship
Couples may experience emotional blockage in their relationship if they are unable to release the tension between them by having a meaningful conversation about the intractable issue.
When determining if a conflict is causing problems in the relationship, the nature of the disagreement is irrelevant. Anything can be the subject of it. An outsider might perceive it as a minor inconvenience, akin to neglecting to vacuum the house. However, it feels like a monster in the closet within the relationship—too frightening to talk about.
The content of the argument is immaterial when assessing whether a quarrel is harming the partnership. It can be about anything at all. From the outside, it could seem like a small annoyance, like not vacuuming the home. But in the partnership, it feels like a monster in the closet—too scary to discuss.
Partners in a strained relationship experience rejection from their partners. They feel as though their partner doesn’t want to talk about the problem or doesn’t care enough to listen to them.
Talks become the ideal storm with no mutual appreciation, humor, or affection. Just hurt and frustration blowing in the wind and rain. People begin demonizing one another if the storm lasts long enough. Their minds turn to negativity. They start to turn on one another. They think poorly of one another. Eventually, a blockage in trust results from all of this cluttering.
Speaking about the problem releases all of the pent-up emotional tension, much like using a plunger to flush a toilet. Even though the never-ending problem is unpleasant, long-lasting happy couples can discuss it with a lot of positive emotions, such as affection, humor, or even gratitude.
When trust is lost, relationships tend to sour. Couples therapy is not necessary to recognize that the chance of adultery and divorce is strongly correlated with the degree of relationship dissatisfaction.
Lack of safety = lack of communication
These ongoing issues frequently remain unspoken because neither partner feels comfortable enough to bring them up. Sometimes it’s because of earlier relationship experiences (even from childhood), and other times it’s because couples feel disconnected and uncared for. This may impede partners from becoming open enough to be vulnerable.
Each spouse should be able to comprehend the aspirations behind the other’s stance on the matter. For instance, one partner could want to put money aside for a retirement-related vacation. The other could wish to use that cash right away for a far-off vacation. You can keep talking about the same problems and perhaps make some progress, but eventually, the issue will come up again.
Understanding that you are selecting a group of issues you will be dealing with for the next 10, 20, or even 50 years when selecting a long-term spouse has merit.
The other partner can finally open up and discuss needs, desires, and feelings when the relationship reaches a certain point of safety and one party expresses that he or she wants to understand the underlying meaning of the other spouse’s viewpoint.
Solving every issue should not be the ultimate objective. The goal should be to cooperate to strengthen the bond until you are left with a set of intractable issues that you and your spouse may come to accept, if not cherish.
To love someone, you shouldn’t feel as though you have to transform them or yourself. Furthermore, you shouldn’t allow a few arguments to ruin an otherwise happy and healthy relationship.
