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Experts in sex and marriage are not surprised by these findings.  Sexless relationships are the No. 1 issue I deal with, particularly in couples over 40, says Ian Kerner, a New York City-based sex therapist. This is because as we age, we all undergo hormonal, lifestyle, and health changes that lead our sexuality to naturally shift.

While love and marriage go hand in hand like a horse and carriage, what about the relationship between sex and marriage?

The most recent studies say that’s a different tale. Data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz discovered last year that sexless marriage is one of the most Googled phrases when it comes to marriage gripes in the US. A survey commissioned by the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture found that 12% of married couples hadn’t had sex in the previous 3 months. Another survey revealed that, on average, 20% of spouses hadn’t had sex in the past year.

Even while this change may be typical, many people question if their marriage and/or sex relationship are in danger. Here, sex therapists, ob-gyns, and sex researchers explain what a sexless marriage is, why desire ebbs, and what couples can do to regain physical intimacy.

What Is Sexless Anyway?

• The answer isn’t simple. According to some experts, a couple is considered sexless if they have sex nine times or fewer years. Others contend that since frequency preferences are individualized, no outsider can declare a marriage to be sexless.
• Cathy (not her real name), a 51-year-old from San Diego, knows that feeling all too well: She’s been in a sexless marriage for 14 years. She claims that lying next to someone who purports to love you but doesn’t want you to touch him is more lonely than being by yourself. The distance between you grows till it can’t be bridged.
• According to Kerner, the issue is more about how a spouse interprets the figures rather than the actual numbers themselves. Even when they’re in a dry spell, a couple may still think the other is attractive and still want to have sex, but life continues getting in the way.
• However, in a sexless relationship, there is a real distance between you and your spouse. You feel like you’re a million miles apart.
• Nine times or less may not be a bad thing for some couples, which is another reason the numbers don’t usually matter that much. Some people are happy to have sex just once a year on their anniversary, according to Ball State University sex educator and researcher Justin Lehmiller.

Mismatched Libidos

• In the past, a lot of people blamed SDD on innate variations in the libidos of men and women, believing that men require more sex while women desire less. However, according to Kristen Mark, director of the University of Kentucky’s Sexual Health Promotion Lab, research hasn’t supported that. She notes that both men and women are equally likely to experience lower levels of sexual desire based on our research. Same-sex couples can also experience SDD.
• When assessing your physical connection, the term “sexual desire discrepancy” (SDD) may be more helpful if “sexless” is too nebulous. She claims that lying next to someone who purports to love you but doesn’t want you to touch him is more lonely than being by yourself. spouse will be unhappy.
• Nonetheless, this notion is still held, and it can seriously damage a marriage’s emotional fabric. Cathy claims, I felt like a freak for years because I wanted sex more than my husband did.I started to question, “What’s wrong with me? because I was raised to believe that men just desired sexual relations. My spouse would never respond when I dressed sexily for him. Since nothing I tried appeared to work, I felt guilty. There are very few words to adequately express the damage it does to you.

The Comparison Trap

• The belief that other people’s sexual lives are superior to our own presents another difficulty. We also make comparisons between our relationship now and our previous one. According to Kerner, when people think back on their sexual life, they typically recall their best moments as fresh, impulsive intercourse. Comparing your current sexual life to the time you and your partner were enamored with one another, however, is unfair.
• It could be beneficial to look at your existing sexual life from the quality-versus-quantity standpoint if you’ve fallen victim to the comparison trap. There are plenty of married couples who go through the motions and have ‘duty sex,’  says Debby Herbenick, director of the Indiana University Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Despite having sex frequently, they don’t find it enjoyable. And that doesn’t make their marriage better than a sexless couple’s union. Even though you and your spouse only get eight dates a year, if those dates are intimate and fulfilling for you both, that may be better than experiencing emotionally distant sex every week.
• It’s a problem that James (another pseudonym) of Cedar Rapids, IA, struggles with. He claims that occasionally it seems like his wife sees having sex with him as a chore. It’s unsettling because she used to enjoy sex. In the beginning, our connection was highly physical. We’d have twenty or twenty-five dates a month.

When Desire Goes MIA

Even the most sexually compatible couples frequently suffer from SDD. Libido dips over time for emotional, psychological, or physiological causes. According to Lehmiller, a lot happens as we get older.

There could be a perfect storm of events that prevents you and your partner from wanting to have sex. Consider some of the following offenders:

Concerns about libido reduction in men with erectile dysfunction are different. If males worry that they won’t be able to fulfill their urges, they may talk themselves out of it.

• Weight gain.

Spouses of both sexes often realize they’ve gained weight since it gets tougher to get and keep healthy after 40.

If you’ve put on weight, you might not feel as motivated for sex or you could feel self-conscious about how you look. If your lover gains weight, you might no longer find him physically attractive.

In addition to being a common side effect of many medications and a symptom of many medical problems, fatigue is also a prevalent byproduct of modern life. But your craving might intensify if you lie in bed more frequently. According to Lehmiller, sleep is crucial for your sexual health since it affects both your desire for sex and your ability to act sexually.

As people age, they are more likely to experience back discomfort, arthritis, and depression, which can make having sex difficult, according to Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics,

Gynecology and reproductive sciences courses are offered by Yale School of Medicine. She said that sexual activity could be limited by the illness itself or by the drugs used to treat it.

Prolonged stress not only makes it hard to concentrate on sex, but it can also alter hormone levels, which can reduce libido. There could be an evolutionary element to the issue. Eden Fromberg, a clinical assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at SUNY Downstate College of Medicine, is a holistic gynecologist. She claims that the same tissues that regulate sexual receptivity also regulate our bodies’ fight-or-flight reaction under stressful circumstances. This response lessens lust and tells your body to focus on something else except having sex.

• Anger and resentment.

If you harbor emotional baggage like guilt, envy, anger, unresolved grudges, or ongoing hostility, your libido may suffer. According to Herbenick, some people become enraged with their spouses for really serious offenses like lying and infidelity.

He handles me more like a maid for other people.

• Reigniting Your Sex Life

If you feel that your relationship is more like a roommate than a romantic one, use this suggestion to find that spark again.

• Discuss the origins of your SDD with your partner.

You need to talk about the causes—without placing blame—even if it won’t be the most pleasant conversation you’ve ever had. According to Mark, it’s critical to avoid placing undue pressure on a partner who exhibits less interest. A middle ground must be reached by couples. If a medical ailment is the reason, consult your physician. Sex therapy or couples counseling may also be beneficial.

• Flip your script.

Occasionally, shifting one’s viewpoint can have an impact. You may think, “Yuck,” if your significant other says, “I’m horny and I need sex.” All he wants to do is get off. Herbenick says, “That doesn’t make me feel wanted.” What if, instead, you said, He thinks I’m hot or He loves me?

• Schedule it for at least one weekday.

As Lehmiller puts it, couples who schedule sex are prepared. It may not sound romantic. They anticipate it will occur. People can switch off work and other stressors early in the evening to be ready and relaxed.

• Don’t give up.

Long-married people may believe that having sex life is a no-brainer as they are aware of the appropriate buttons to push, according to Milrod. But the contrary is true. The expectations rise and the work required increases with the length of time you spend with someone. So try not to give up.

• Share your fantasies.

If discussing the details of your dream with your husband makes you uncomfortable, Kerner advises telling him that you had a dream about him. State, I had the most amazing daydream about you at work today. I have no idea what was going through my subconscious, but we sure as hell were. and then, he suggests, fill in the blank with something a little unexpected.

• Tweak your sexual routine.

Modest adjustments can have a significant impact. Christine Milrod, a sex therapist and researcher, believes you don’t have to put on a show. Even something as simple as massaging your feet might have an impact. Sex inspiration can be found anywhere. My acquaintance found that she became re-interested in her husband after seeing sex scenes on the television program Scandal.

• Just do it.

Women can choose to have sex even when they’re not truly in the mood, which gives them an advantage over men. Although it doesn’t sound good, Minkin thinks that acting in that way could increase your desire. Increasing a woman’s libido might be triggered by her mindset of ‘I’m going to start having sex with my husband because that’s going to deepen our intimacy and improve our relationship,’ she says.

• Learn each other’s turn-ons.

Over time, they can change. Milrod advises that each partner write a list in secret under the following three headings: Things that pique my interest sexually, Things that I might find interesting, and Things that I won’t try. Next, compare lists to see what you two are willing to undertake.

• Redefine sex.

It does not need to be vaginal, and an orgasm at the conclusion is not necessary (that adds too much strain). Don’t undervalue the importance of cuddling either. Even non-touching intimate activities, such as reading aloud from a book or having dinner by candlelight, can be coordinated.

• Boredom.

Minkin says this is a major problem in sexless couples. According to her, couples who have been dating for ten or fifteen years might not try new activities. They don’t take chances.