Various people have varied definitions of a sexless marriage. Some choose to never engage in sexual activity, not even on their wedding night. Alternatively, it indicates that things were blazing hot before the marriage but quickly simmered and fizzled out. Other people think it’s NEVER SEX! It refers to a devoted partnership when there is little to no sexual activity between the two partners.
Thus, it doesn’t matter if couples have sexless marriages. Many individuals! According to prominent data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, sexless marriages are the most searched-for marital complaint on Google, as reported by The New York Times. Every month, on average, over 21,000 people search the internet seeking sexless marriages! Whether we talk about it or not, we
What transpires that makes a marriage sexless? You name it: kids, schedules, tiredness, rejection, guilt, money. Add a dash of resentment, and you have a surefire recipe for a lack of communication and a great deal of hurt feelings that go unspoken.
As per a Huffington Post survey, the most frequently mentioned response was My wife isn’t interested. In the same survey, only 21% of participants said that the husband was at fault. Contrary to popular belief, a sizable portion of couples refrain from being sexless for a variety of reasons, including emotional, psychological, physical, religious, and other ones.
That “sexless marriage” is frequent is something we can all agree upon, even if we can’t agree on the definition. Twenty percent of couples were classified as sexless by the National Health and Social Life Survey, which means that they had sexual relations fewer than ten times a year. According to a Georgia State University research cited in The Guardian, 15% of married couples reported not being sexless in the previous six to twelve months. Meanwhile, a Huffington Post piece by Abby Rodman disclosed that the majority of poll respondents characterized themselves as sexless if they had sex no more than once a month on average.
The largest obstacle is a long-term accumulation of quiet animosity. It’s an accumulation of unspoken previous hurts. It’s all the talks that ended with you blaming your partner for the current state of your marriage, or placing responsibility on yourself for your part in this silent bed. It’s the frustration as well as the uncertainty about how to begin removing yourself from the chaotic situation you’re in right now.
Consider what has changed between you. Do you recall the times you used to discuss sexless with one another? It’s likely that you constantly talked about your sex life and even offered suggestions about it to him. You exchanged flirtatious glances, jokes, and laughter. It’s possible that you even discussed your sexless desires. You don’t know.
You two’s relationship underwent a change, but at the time, neither of you acknowledged it or discussed it. How incredible is it that life can get in the way of your sexual life? How can anything go in the way of having sex? Yes, it does! Your routine shifts after you become fatigued. After that, you do less of that and more of this, depending on your changing sexual tendencies. Both the anticipation and the excitement wane with time. Everything eventually ends, including the justifications.
How are you able to help? The most crucial thing for you to do is assess your own needs and feelings regarding the current situation involving the two of you. Upon determining that, you can proceed with making decisions. The best course of action, despite outside demands, is to talk to someone about what’s bothering you. The longer you go without speaking, the more uncomfortable and disengaged you could feel. It’s hard to talk about not having sex, but the best thing to do is simply start talking!
Have you listened to your partner’s perspective without the finger-pointing, blaming, or yelling?
This is about you two having a civil conversation. Declare that you sincerely want to resume being sexless. Touch, feel, and love as well. Recall that your spouse is likely experiencing the same emotions and thoughts as you are: uneasiness, hesitancy, humiliation, and a strong desire for things to return to how they were.
Never forget that you shouldn’t expect a different result if you continue to do the same thing—that is, not talk. Establish a secure conversation between the two of you and see what you learn. Do you feel love for him even if you don’t have sex? Have you ever discussed it with one another without feeling guilty or resentful? Have you all talked about how you feel about the lack of sexlessness in the marriage?
As good friends, speak to one another with integrity and decency. Gaze into their eyes and extend your hand to touch them. Tell them you miss feeling connected to them and how hard it is to express your unsaid thoughts and feelings. Just converse; don’t expect anything. When you reach a dead end and your partner seems to be less communicating, softly express your feelings about spending time together, sitting down to talk, and sharing intimate glances.
Check-in with your partner. How do they feel? What’s going on with them?
Recall that speaking up requires bravery. What an enormous step you made! You considered talking to your partner first, then you practiced saying it, then you decided when it was appropriate to have the conversation, and finally, you talked to them tenderly and from the bottom of your heart. Reaching out to your best friend and devoted spouse with kindness is such a declaration of love.
Sometimes in life, one event alone does not pose a substantial or tough challenge. But things quickly spiral out of control when the initial issue is obscured by a maze of related issues that the original issue caused. That’s when time, silence, and detachment start to exacerbate it. Life happens, so try not to be too hard on yourself or your partner!
Your greatest concern is that this silence between you will be too much for your marriage to overcome. You can be afraid that they won’t say anything to you and will abandon you or cheat on you. You shared your concerns about being alone in this marriage with your spouse when you decided to sit down and have that chat. Your dreams for the future were exchanged. The most difficult part was having to wait for them to talk.
Find out from them what steps you two can take to overcome this impasse. Does your partner wish to proceed as a team? Would they be receptive to recommendations like visiting a sex therapist, couples therapist, or professional counselor? Don’t put it on hold, whatever you do. Continue the conversation.
Continue! Tell your spouse how essential it is for you to hear what they’re thinking and feeling right now if you see that they are listening to you without becoming defensive during your conversation but are at a loss for words.
For more than 20 years, Margot Brown has assisted individuals and couples in leading happier lives. Kickstart Your Relationship Now is written by her! Either move on or move out.
